21 days of my too-small (and only) sink while I go about my morning. All photos taken on a early 2000s digital Fujifilm camera.
april 25
documentation missing...
april 26
documentation missing...
april 27
Yeah... so friday & saturday were a t.i.m.e. holy shit dude. friday was technically fine guess -- I felt like shit mentally and then because I forgot to eat all day I felt like shit physically as well. worked 13 hours and then kinda fell apart on my walk home as it was utterly pouring down rain. I almost passed out extruding clay, but its fiiiiiine. Then on Saturday I went to work per the usual, but because it was raining, Linda was majorly bummed out and said I could go home early, so I actaully ended up having time to take a real shower, TAKE MY RECYCLING!!! and vacuum! before I picked Jack up to hang out. It feels genuinely so good to finally have taken my recycling -- There was so much and its been over a month holy fuck dude. Jack and I got a little depressed and sad with it -- which is code for I admitted to actually being suicidal -- so thats so fun and silly. And then w chatted and made pizza and then Jack had a mega POTS episode and passed out so he couldn't go work on his paintings -- we just chilled... um, and then I got triggered by 'A Quick One Before the Eternal Worm Devours Conneticut' by Have a Nice Life completely randomly and I had a flashback and then had the 1st panic attack I've had in like -- 4 years... so that was not chill. And then I cried about missing my mom. Jack is always so kind and paitient and I appreciate it very much and I am so grateful we are friends. I need to find a new therapist and probably go on medication again, which I'm afraid of deeply. I'm fucking exhausted today. I just put my nose to the grindstone @ work today and my body hurts. My hands hurt the most -- but I keep getting headaches and my knees hurt. I was going to do more homework but I took a nap instead because honestly I'm just so tired. Tripp sent this long-ass, condecending, asshole text today being like "well actually I am not paying you your security deposit back and fuck you and you're stupid and awful" and I'm not surprised, but I am frustrated. I want to fight back but I don't have time. Moral victories are unsatisfying and I'be lost $1295 so fuck me I guess. I don't feel good, and I'm dreading like. everything. I just want to go to sleep on a comfy bed in a warm field. I want sugar, but I don't want to leave my house and I don't have desert at home.
april 28
My day was confusingly long and dull. It went so slowly and it doesn't really feel like I did anything at all other than feel dread and pain (physical- my hands). I purposefully triggered myself by playing through the song from saturday, and then listened to Flatsound radio on my walk. Its so strange to exist on the line between passive and active suicidality -- I'm not going to kill myself (98% sure), but I have a plan as a sort of comfort. I haven't felt this bad since 2020, and the mental/emotional regression is actually insane. I also don't want to proess the fact that my Momma's high standards for me my whole life may have made me incapable of asking for help. or expressing my needs... or even identifying my needs. so thats epic I guess. Maybe I'm more fucked up than I previously thought. Cool. I'm also terrified that things have happened to me in my life and I can't remember even a little bit of what the hell happened. As you can tell, I'm falling asleep. Night Night :P
april 29
St. Catherine's Child dropped a new EP and of course its incredible (and sad as fuck) but I'm really digging on both the songs. I had a little breakdown on my walk last night but it's fine I guess. I seem to only be capable of having breakdowns recently. Maybe I'll pull it together eventually, but I knd of doubt it, honestly. I am actually just a mess the majority of the time and its sick. Gotta love being a continually degrading and collapsing amalgamation of fucking shit. Super gnarly. On a different note -- I hope my groceries come today -- fedex is being a bitch again and didn't deliver them yesterday. Not that I couldn't afford to miss a meal (or 7, honestly, I've gotten so fucking fat), but I'm out of vegetables and I do like vegetables... I'm partial to a good veg. I also am out of pasta. I need to re-hydrate my garbanzo beans because I want to eat them -- mmmmm roasted chickpeas. I got my scriffito (???) stuff glazed so hopefully that goes well. I'm just so tired today mentally. I don't feel aware enough to be a person. and now my tummy hurts and I'm nauseous. I don't understand why I'm nauseous either. I just ate a protien bar and I've been drinking water so IDK why my body fucking hates me. I'm also bery anxious all of a sudden. I can feel my heart pounding and I just feel on edge and like I'm ramping up for a panic attack. I very much do not want to have a panic attack. It would be super sick if I could just calm the fuck down. It would be super epic to just. Chill the fuck out oh my god. Augh. We got to walk around all class making maps so that was fun?? I guess? I don't know dude -- I kinda wandered along and did no thinking. It would be super duper mega cool if I could just eplode into dust and never have to think again. I need to do my pecha kucha tonight augh. Just. Scream. My head hurts dude, and my stomach hurts. and I think I'm overstimulated. I hate this calss, honestly. its so boring and it feels useless. I crashed out on my walk because apparently I'm 185 lbs again... so basically I need to fucking pull it together. Back to tracking, I guess. So fun. Bye food as a coping mechanism. I've got work in the morning. I'm going the fuck to bed.
april 30
oh my fucking god I'm so fucking overstimulated today for no fucking reason the whole day has been off -- and honestly I feel like I'm made out of live wire, barbed wire, a thousand bees, and pure rage. I keep getting dizzy and dissasociated and nauseous and Jack is talking about being suicidal and Major is eating as loud as physcially possible and I just am freaking out. Okay. I dyed my hair orange today -- I showed up to class wearing a shower cap and then Emma helped me rinse my hair out w/ a hose in the non-clay sink. I just. AUGH. I just punched the wall. Its ok. Fuck it. Bed
may 1
I can't remember anything right now. I feel like I have half a brain and I'm losing the ability to think or do all the tasks I need to. I'm just -- burnt out? I think I am burnt out. Oh no. This actually fucking sucks. I genuinely just -- I'm so goddamn tired. I also wonder if this has anything to do with me not having caffine since Tuesday. I'm not able to function w/out it now, apparently. I guess an addction to caffine is better than anything else, I suppose. Jesus fuck I just feel unwound and crumbly. I don't know how to fix it, either. Is there any fixing how little I care right now? I also think I might stink -- I need to do laundry -- holy fuck. THis weekend I have to do laundry. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm basically out of clothes. Dude I love spider mites. They're so cute. Just little red guys that walk around -- they really remind me of the soot sprites from Totoro. The game plan for today is after I get out of ARTH 206 I'm going to put my bag in the ceramics room and then book it to the post office and then ott the rent payment place and then to class if I'm not extremely late. if I am, I'm just going to skip class altogether. I randomly got full of anxiety so thats epic, but oh well I guess. 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Parking Lot -- Hana Vu 𝅘𝅥𝅮 oh my god the vom urge is back holy shit dude I'm going to explode why the fucking hell do feel like I'm gonna throw up??? The pecha kucha went fine. I kinda feel like I'm exploding -- I did finally order new glasses so thats nice, but I think I'm manic? I'm not thinking my actions through and I feel like my body is eating itself alive. I bought some vintage queer pins and a ish pen as well. Yay. But the fact I'm spending money at all is fucking insane. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm evil. I'm bad, I'm gluttonous, I'm rude, I'm jsut fucking evil. All my parts are corrupted and I need to dispose of them. I am a fucking virus. I'm bad for the people around me. I'm bad for myself. Holy shit. I need someone to beat the shit out of me. I need someone to hurt me. I want to be torn to fucking shreds and then when I'm bleeding out and staining the ground I want to be cradled tenderly and let the guilt overwhelm us both. I feel like a danger to myself concepturlaly and a fucking bore realistcally. Can't cut too deep because I have work, can't cut on my shoulders because of my t-gel.. I'm a stupid fucking wreck. And the worst part of being a person right now is other people can see me deteriorating. I'm spilling, oozing my fucking toxic slidge all over and its splashing on anyone who gts too close. Jesus Christ I need to be medicated. I need an exorcism. I need to be non-fatally stabbed. I need to fuck somoe and have it hurt. Cool. Cool. Cool. Glad to be here. So glad to be in this goddamned fucking body. Glad to be fucking stuck in my obligation to stay alive. Glad to feel like this. I can't fucking think rationally. I'm running on pure instinct and vitriolic hatred fo rmyself. All I can conceptulize is how bad I am and always have been. I don't even feel like myself. It felt wrong talking about my younger self like that. I think I may be worse than I've ever been. My laundry is dirty still. I hope I get around to washing it tomorrow. It feels like I'm forgetting to do somehting but I've got no clue what it would possibly be. I'm supposed to be doing SOMETHING but I don't know what it is, oh well I guess. I want to text Jack but when I talked to him earlier it said it had been awake since 8:00 AM yesterday, so I can't do that :P and I told Juno that I'm fine and I think he would freak if he know how badly I'm actually doing. I think I genuinely may need to redact parts of this journal for my 21 Day project so that they don't try to institutionalize me... hm. Okay. Its 8:44 so I should walk Major so I can go to sleep. Walk was okay. I just :/ I wish I felt something more productive. Being this unstable is so unproductive this is fucking ridiculous. I'm just- I'm a fucking mess and it makes me a bad person. Anyway, I'm going to bed because its 11:20 and I have work in the morning. Night. Man. It would be sick if I could reach out and ask for attention but. I. Can't. Because I don't want to be a burden. Sigh.
may 2
I'm sitting in my car waiting for my laundry and wishing that I did not have to go to the laundromat because I hate going to the laundromat. It takes a gazillion years and theres always someone who makes me SUPER uncomfortable. I'm going to go grocery shopping while my clothes are in the dryer -- I don't have any vegetables again and while I'm on a cal deficit I'm not really allowed to snack on anything else. I will literally run out of cals so fast. My legs hurt so fucking bad, and my feet do as well. I don't know why my body would possibly hurt so bad but it just does. I thought that it would stop if I was able to take a nap -- my nap didn't help at all. I got gas today -- it was very very expensive, as everything seems to be these days. I'm still tired. Honestly though, I don't feel as evil as yesterday yet -- I had a very positive shift at work and was able to feel helpful and useful in a way that usually makes me feel better about being alive. I still don't feel awesome about it -- but it's better than wanting to tear myself apart, I guess. Idk if it shows here, but my thoughts are extremely garbled.
may 3
documentation missing...
may 4
Didn't journal yesterday because it was Jack day. We went to Winco + Walmart because he needed ot and then we made pizza and talked until 3:30 AM. The usual. Glitch/the rat fronted most of the night and Glitch is so much more physically affectionate and I'm not gonna lie its awesome it is slowly soothing my soul. Also the rat is so silly goofy. I'm so glad everyone I've met thus far is so friend-coded and nice to me! Today I am tired -- I worked and then doom scrolled a lttle and then
I just stopped mid sentence and took a nap for like 3 hours. SO thats fun. I waked Major after I woke up & ate dinner and now I actually need to look at therapists. I kinda talked about my need to be useful, helpful, and a good tool for others with Glitch yesterday and I guess it is right that I'm in no way healed and I'm just going to keep processing trauma now that I'm not living at home and I definitely can't do that on my own because I'm literally having flashbacks in a way I've never had before and I'm experiencing suicidality for the 1st time in a while. So. Yeah.
Potential Therapist
☐ Paul M Arredono -- #541-444-0840
☐ Shawn Elizabeth Nasralla -- #541-697-3086
☐ Joanna Ferreira -- #541-403-5198
☐ Kate Cadoux -- n/a - only email
I'm going to email Paul & Kate because I like their vibes the best and hope for a response. I think I also need to look for a psychiatrist because meds are probably in my future. I still don't know how I feel about that -- I don't want to be medicated because I was for so long and it was awful and I don't want to have to rely on medication to be okay because of my own internal issues surrounding the concept of strength & weakness. But Jack (&co) think that its probably a good idea and I do trust their judgement plus I don't want to be a burden on them (the system) because (a) thats not cool and (b) the whole system is going through it so its not okay for me to make my problems their problem. I was so close to regressing last night but I just couldn't -- I don't like how needy and ... childish, I guess, I become and while I trust the clowncar, I don't know if I want to be -- like that -- around them because that's waaaaaay too much to deal with. I am ashamed by my stupid brain and I don't appreciate that it keeps trying to make a fool out of me. I am so ashamed of regressing -- its not something I should have happen to me; I'm not really that traumatized and theres no reason that I am so weepy and pain-seeking when I'm little. I'm tired again, its 11:37 and I have work @ 8:00 again, so night.
may 5
documentation missing...
may 6
didn't write yesterday mostly because I forgot. I was very busy. The whole day felt like a sprint but I'm also talking to this guy whos name is also Nico, so thats fun. Hoping fer a date -- I think that would be cool, I haven't been on a date in a while. Hes very different from me, but I don't think thats a bad thing. Jack is not doing well and I'm genuinely worried about him and the system. I think he needs to get out of its house more, so there are people witnessing its 'being alive' because the things it says is genuinely concerning to me but we're kinda on a 'no-snitch' pact and I don't plan on breaking that & betraying his trust. I feel some sort of responsibility to his well-being because it is my friend and I want (somewhat selfishly) him to stay alive. I just -- I don't know the depths of the system's trauma and I can't imagine how awful it truly is. I want to do anything I can to help everyone get through this remembering event. I'm really hoping graduation is a positive turn & not a negative one, but who knows.
may 7
Okay I guess I'm feeling extra contemplative right now, but I've had a pretty solid day -- I had a super good shift and then skipped class & work because A) I didn't rly want to go and B) Jack asked if I could body double/hang out and I said yea but now hes been cleaning for like two hours... so idk whats actually going on. I got my watercolors out & made something, I don't really know how I feel about it though, so I don't think I'm going to show anyone. I am feeling really weird after that though. my emotions are all tamped down like a fire blanket is smothering them and I feel unreal and all drift-y. I guess I'm just going to feel that way though because I don't know how to really remedy that. i think I'm on the precipice of something, but who actually knows what. I just want -- I'm craving stimulation, but I guess I'm purposefully depriving myself of it. I don't deserve the feelings associated with increased stimulation. I'm kind of tired :/ I've decided that I want to start doing T-shots instead of the gel -- I'm starting to get dysphoric about how slowly things progress on the gel and I just -- I need to be more than I currently am. I have also decided on a schedule for summer -- kid of. I want to have wednesday/thursdays off as my 'weekend' and then work 8:00-3:00 5 days a week. I could just suck it up and work 7 days a week, but I don't really want to kill myself (I guess). I want to go places and be able to spend the night is what it boils down to -- I deserve a little bit of a break, maybe. I need to email those therapists -- I don't know why I have such a resistance to getting help -- actually no, I do. I don't want to get weaker. I don't want to become less resilient and lose my frustration/distress tolerance, I can't be weak and honestly? I don't want to through all the intro stuff again. I hate having to re-establish how fucked up my life has been with someone new. it sucks. I hate feeling like I have to tell the truth when they ask me how I am. I hate the way it hurts. But I know its good for me. I need to go. I need to email those therapists. Jack is jsut about ready to go, so I should pack my stuff :P I don't actaully know what I'm going to do when we are at the library, maybe I'll just read or something? I need to get through 'How to Know a Person'. Okay I'm actually reading 'The Pleasure Principal' finally. I ran out of focus juice and I'm hungry as fuck. I want to frolic but I have to be here for jack so he can focus and do a little work and feel more like a person.
may 8
Talking about AIDS today in art history -- I've been crying. I feel such potent grief about the AIDS crisis, I don't have any personal connection fo anyone who has passed of AIDS, but I can't help but be haunted by all the people who died before me because of the injustice wrought by the American government, they don't want us to live. They do not care if we die, and I feel such sharp and pervasive grief and mourning and loss for the millions of gay men, trans women/men, queer people, sex workers, drug users, and everyone inbetween.
may 9
documentation missing...
may 10
documentaton missing...
may 11
Things I need to do:
☐Renew DL ⇾ OR. DMV.
☐Make summer schedule
☐plan going home
☐art history (206) essay
☐art history (347) essay/prez
☐plan out weekly time table
☐chore schedule
☐limit phone time.
☐talk to dr. about T-shots
☐email therapists
☐throw/prep for ceramic sale
☐start going to the gym
Okay its the 11th... I've been fucking busy as hell. Holy hell dude. I crashed out on thursday and then worked a trillion hours on friday and also we went to Sophie's apt to watch Ai Wei Wei, which was very interesting! I'm really glad I'm friends with Sophie and Emma, they're both really cool and really talented artists. Then I worked Saturday morning and then hung out with Jack -- hes really going through it still and I really wish I was in a place to be more helpful. Major was also freaking out yesterday. He is so anxious and its so hard to navigate. Basically -- my body hurts, I feel bad about myself, I feel bad about my life, I'm exhausted, and I have so much I need to do. Fuck, I guess. I need to make some fucking art. Why am I in university if I'm not making art.
may 12
documentation missing...
may 13
Shopping List
☐Dolmas
☐chickpeas
☐can opener
☐energy drinks
☐shampoo
☐converse -- online
☐snap peas
☐frozen peas
Ok, I didn't write yesterday, I left the studio at 10:30 because I'm in production mode prepping for the sale on 5/30, I want to try and make some fun money to funt... I haven't decided yet. My essays aren't actually that hard to I'm chilling. Juno and I are going to get high and watch a nature documentary tonight and I'm going to try and make some art during that. I want to start unpacking the concept "what does participating in treatment look like? What does it mean> What is the future of me doing treatment?" I think that this is going to be the baseline of me doing a show in the fall. ⇾ potential title 'difficult patient'//'unwilling patient'//'doctors notes' If I use this title I can get my file from Shodair from home when I go and use phrasing in my works⇾cool. okay⇾I want to try and paint too. I wasnt to push myself.
may 14
documentation missing...
may 15
documentation missing...