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September 2024
Reflecting on the state of September, I am struck by just how tolerant I am of stress and change right up until it all gets too much. I think a lot of people don't go to college because they don't think it has anything of use to teach them, but what they fail to consider is the fact that higher education isn't just about academia. The most important things I've learned in college are distress tolerance, time managment, and the ability to pull whatever information I need out of my ass at a moments notice and then use it to paper mache a reasonable paper together. What college hasn't taught me is how the fuck to make friends, which is causing a slight struggle being in an entirely new state, city, and student body where I know no one but my roommate, my coworkers, and my dog. Oh, and the random people I've matched with on Bumble, but I'm hesitant to count them until we've hung out. I'm also learning that I think I have an interest in spirituality of some sort, but that I don't believe in God. To be clear, I have never believed in God and was raised in a household without religion. This religion-less void seems to have grown in whatever is going on inside my body though (probably as the result of me lacking sufficent coping mechanisms for stress, fear, and overwhelm) and I want to explore it. I've been working on the exploration of affirmations, manifestation, self-talk, and general thoughtfullness. I feel like that is a pretty tame, safe place to start any experimentation with spiritual shit, and it's surprisingly helpful. I've also been trying (and mostly failing) to get away from my phone and technology in general. I'm an addict, I think, especially to Youtube because it's so easy to fill any contemplative or lonely silence with mindless background noise. I don't like being alone and I like being alone with my thoughts even less, which makes Youtube the perfect crutch.
I currently do not have enough income coming in monthly for me to fully support myself. I have two jobs at the time of writing this and am actively looking for a third, but my first job (which only pays 14.75/hr) cut my hours from what I thought was supposed to be a stable 20 hours a week, in which case I WOULD be able to afford rent, utilities and the rest of things people need to pay for, down to 10 hours a week, which is honestly fucking ridiculous. My second job is a weekend gig mucking the stalls at a horse sanctuary, which pays well, but only has 6 hours a week for me because it honestly doesn't take that long to muck stalls. I obviously can't just not pay my rent or drain my savings, so third job it is. During the whole process of me moving here and the subsequent month I've been here, I've applied for over 50 jobs, and have only heard back from maybe 5. That ratio is fucking ridiculous and I want to scream. Older people seem to think that " the youth " don't have jobs because we don't want them, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I want to be employed! Hell! I even LIKE working (most of the time), but it is actually impossible to find a job in the modern market, and when you do, they pull shit like Job #1 and make themselves more of a burden than a help. The week of the 23rd was the first week of classes, and it seems like professors are dropping like flies. My writing instructor literally quit two days before the term started, which is just like... girl what? My screenwriting professor had leg surgery, my studio art class professor is on sabatical until the end of October... I only have one class where the professor seems to have their shit together, which kinda stresses me out.
There are quite a few stressors that come with moving that I didn't expect to still be dealing with a month in... like health insurance. I am on the state medicaid program of the state I moved from, but apparently because medicaid is state controlled that insurance can't transfer to the state I moved to, which essentially means I either have to quit that insurance (which I'm hesitant to do because my Momma does all the paperwork stuff and I really don't envy that task) and apply for the medicaid program in this state, or I have to have my testosterone mailed to me, which can fuck the gel up because it is supposed to be kept at around 80℉ and the mail service OBVIOUSLY does not do that (I honestly don't trust them to not just lose or destroy my t-gel). The lack of in-state insurance also means that it is virtually impossible for me to find a therapist (hence the thought experiments to make myself feel better). I had to leave my old therapist and haven't been to therapy in over a month now. I was going every week before, so its been a huge hit to my mental stability (they hit the second tower) to not have that weekly support.
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about having a roommate, but we have been getting along pretty well. There have been a few points where we had to sit down and have grown-up discussions, but I really think that it and I (it uses it/its as pronouns, I swear I'm not dehumanizing my roommate) are going to be good to share housing for the rest of our degrees, which is cool because that takes away the uncertainty of finding someone to share rent with.
There are is an urban deer issue here, which doesn't seem relevant- however I swear to god I have so many thoughts about urban deer. I personally think that urban deer are a public safety risk and also high populations of urban deer create an environment for diseases to run rampant and also raises the chance that deer are going to get injured or killed in the urban environment. I am toying with the idea of writing a think-piece on the problems that accompany high urban deer populations and then trying to get it seen by the city council or the local paper or something. This page is anti-urban deer.
I've been working on getting involved in things on campus because I want things to do and people to talk to. There weren't any interesting or really active clubs at my community college, so I'm taking advantage of the bigger campus and higher population here to get involved in activism and also things that I've always wanted to do. The rec center here has a HUGE fucking climbing wall and I've always been interested in learning how to rock climb (and also I want to get over my fear of heights). Theres also a students for Palestine group here, which is so cool because there was no activism or community that was pro-Palestine in the town I lived in before. I also want to be around people with similar interests as me so I can maybe make friends easier.
My biggest challenge in life right now is my own body/self image. I don't know how the fuck people develop a better self image or like themselves and I'm almost to the point where I am convinced I will never know. Obviously I want to learn how to like myself, but without a therapist or something I don't think I'm going to get anywhere on this front. I am experiencing some confusing health complications (splotchy circulation, trembling, limbs turning purple or going numb, chronic headaches, fatigue...), which really don't help the pre-existing self hatred I already have. I just... I don't know. This topic takes up a large amount of my mental capacity and I would like it to not.
ANYWAY. I've got to finish coding this page and then do my homework (literally crying).
-dated 26 september 2024-
